John, Ted: [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts!"
John: [calling 911] This guy took my teddy bear!
[pause]
John: Hello? Hello?
Ted: [to fat kid] Back off, Susan Boyle!
Frank: You think you got what it takes?
Ted: I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.
Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
Frank: You're hired.
Ted: Shit
Ted: There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of tits.
Lori: There's a shit on the floor!
Ted: Or, or, or, maybe the floor is on the shit.
Robert: You can't have my Teddy bear!
[Charges John and Lori at full speed. John punches him in the nose, knocking him unconscious to the ground]
Lori: Jesus!
John: I'm sorry, but somebody had to go all Joan Crawford on his ass!
John: Can you call my cellphone?
Lori: Yeah
[Lori calls John's phone which plays "The Imperial March"]
Lori: Is that my ringtone? What is that? Cause it sounds really negative.
John: No. I-it's from The Notebook
Narrator: Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
Ted: Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!
Ted: [after a TV falls on John] Why are you crying?
John: My dick was squished by the TV.
Donny: You're mine now, Ted.
Ted: Screw you, pal. I belong to John Bennett.
Donny: I can give you love and rocking horses and dancing.
Ted: I think we're very far apart on this.
Ted: [while being carried inside a bag] Oh, I hear the fat kid running! I bet it's hilarious!
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